Is It About You, or Me?

Dear Erin,

Great catching up on the phone last night. Sounds like you and Emily have this marketing thing down. Loved hearing about Emily handing out postcards advertising her show in the lobby prior to a different show in which she was performing. Genius!!

I won’t keep you today since we talked yesterday, but let me just toss this out there. Are, or are we not, supposed to use “I” statements when giving feedback, negotiating or engaging in a difficult and potentially emotional conversation with colleagues or counterparts?

I just finished a whole “Master Class” with Kim Scott discussing her “Radical Candor” process for giving feedback. She advises using only “I statements” when giving feedback so as to make the person feel less defensive. “I notice that…” or “I want to share with you my observations…”

It seems that the idea is to give the receiver of the feedback the option to consider what is said as the opinion of the speaker. The receiver can accept it or discount it; either way, it belongs to someone else and is best understood through that person’s perspective. The advice suggests that projecting behavior or assessment onto the receiver via “you” statements can be received as accusatory and will dial up the emotion.

I ALSO just finished a “Master Class” with Chris Voss discussing negotiation. He is a famed hostage negotiator who has gone into business advising corporations and teaching the “art of negotiation.” He adamantly says do NOT use “I statements” like those above, as that centers the speaker in the conversation, when the point of negotiation is to build rapport with the receiver, and center the receiver’s wants and needs. He is speaking specifically about labeling emotions when they arise and giving the receiver the opportunity to consider the label while feeling seen and possibly understood.

For example, if you are in a difficult conversation and the other side seems angry, Kim Scott tells you to say “I notice that my words are making you uncomfortable. Is there anything I can do to help?” Chris Voss tells you to say “Seems like you are angry” or “Sounds like this is making you upset.” Voss says to make your statement and then stay silent, allowing the other side to process, react and talk more. (BTW, Voss suggests modulating your tone of voice and body language so as not to come off as aggressive.)

Ok, so, which is it?

“I statements” allow the receiver to take comfort in the fact that this is simply the speaker’s perspective. “You seem” labeling centers the receiver’s experience, and not the speaker’s.

I’m confused as to which to use when. Should you feel it out? Am I missing a nuance between the process of offering feedback and the negotiation process?

Chris is meeting me later this afternoon. Let me ask him what he thinks. I’ll let you know and then let’s talk some more.

Love, Mom